Date Everything! Review

Hello, and welcome to Valvidian, where you’ll be starting your first day in a new role (brought to you by your friend Sam), and where you’ll finally make use of your customer service degree! Now, as a remote worker, you won’t have many perks, but you don’t even have to leave your office. Except… our Valvidian CEO, David Most, has unfortunately decided that all minor roles will be taken over by AI. Sorry about that, I know it’s your second day on the job now, but… Welcome to limbo!

Sure, the situation sucks, but don’t worry because this is not a remote working simulator! No, no, this is one of the most ambitious dating sims that I’ve ever seen, and one that I have been ridiculously excited for. Ladies, gentlemen, and those who don’t see themselves as either, I welcome you to Date Everything!. For you see, you may not have a job anymore — technically, you’re still in limbo and will still have access to your Valvidian workspace — but you have been mysteriously contacted by a fellow known only as Tinfoilhat, who has given you an important job: look after the Dateviators. Don’t let them get in the hands of your boss (or ex-boss, rather), David Most.

But what are Dateviators, you ask (and boy, am I glad you asked)? You see, using these handy Dateviators, you’ll be able to transform different things into people. All you need to do is put them on with the top-face button, and/or your specific key on the keyboard, and hit the right trigger. This includes your Dateviators, by the way! Now, Skylar Specs is the name of your glasses, and she’s happy to help; she’ll answer any questions you need answered, except, you know, very specific ones. She’ll tell you all about the different Dateables, how you can end the game by just going out of your house, and whether you can find all the Collectables in one playthrough.

The answer to that last one is a resounding no. But your progress will be saved when you go into New Game Plus. That’s right guys, your progress will be saved, and it’ll be great because you’ll be able to keep your Collectables, and any S.P.E.C.S. points you obtain. But I’m getting ahead of myself! You see, S.P.E.C.S. points are essentially your stats; these stand for Smarts, Poise, Empathy, Charisma, and Sass, and you can get more of these by reaching any ending with a Dateable. So, hey, the junk in your drawer that hates your guts? Don’t worry, you’ll still get points for Jerry (note: I’m so sorry, Jerry. But an intervention was needed).

To help you on your journey to get S.P.E.C.S. points, you’ll make your first friend in the form of your steadfast doorman, Dorian. After all, he’s a firm believer in friendship, and you know what? I respect that. Just because you get an ending with a Dateable doesn’t mean it’s all over. Plus, it’s not always that easy to make a friend. After all, some of your Dateables will send you on insane quests, and I am here for it.

You don’t need to meet any of the things in the house in a specific order, but it is suggested that you try your hardest to awaken all of them. And hey, what’s stopping you from getting points from seducing/antagonising/chilling with them? So, it’s safe to say that’s what I spent my first playthrough doing (after all, I’ll be wanting the Collectables).

If you’re struggling to find certain Dateables, then don’t worry because some of them are quite tricky to track down (note: Why is Hero Hime so difficult to find? I want to date the anime girl, or at least meet her. WHERE IS SHE?) You’ll find there are special Roomers you can find to meet them. Roomers, as the name implies, are rumours about each character. So, these will appear in a separate app on your phone and will be recorded as cryptic hints from speaking to other characters, such as Maggie the Magnifying Glass or Phoenicia the Phone. Some of them will also appear in other storylines, and it’s pretty damn interesting, I have to admit.

You can also learn more about the Collectables by opening the Dateadex on your phone... yes, this is a Pokédex for everything in your house. This feature helps you identify your progress with Dateables, what criteria you need for each Collectable, and also what S.P.E.C.S. point you can get by achieving an ending for their storyline. So, it’s a pretty handy feature, and a resource I was using as my own personal bible. Some of the Collectables are pretty easy, as they’ll require you to get a certain ending with someone. So, some of them you can wait for when you inevitably want everyone to hate your guts or love you, or become bros with every single thing in your house.

By all accounts, I was impressed by the amount of work that went into making each character unique in Date Everything!. Every single Dateable has their own storyline, and it’s hard not to be invested in them. Hell, there’s a whole world in your house that you just never knew about before. In fact, it’s so meta that you can date the developers and the bugs in the game; even the text box isn’t off limits! But most importantly, I enjoyed the dynamic between each character: there were some who were already in relationships, such as Dirk and Harper, and those who have struggled with a past relationship and letting go, such as Washford and Drysdale. I found myself getting invested in so many different plot lines that I just needed to know what would happen down each route.

Admittedly, this may have left me utterly terrified at times. For example, take Daemon the bug’s storyline, and in other cases, being threatened with death. I’ll be honest, I was not expecting Volt and Eddie’s storyline, and Beau’s quest throughout the house has been a delight. It also allowed me to explore places in the building, such as the attic and crawlspace, that you can’t get to without progressing certain storylines. But, I daresay, this was not the most surprising twist.

As you progress through the game, you’ll interact with your friend Sam and hear from the enigmatic Tinfoilhat. They’ll either ask about what you’re doing, and Tinfoilhat will specifically talk about what you need to do with the Dateviators. He’s also the one who’ll outright tell you not to leave your house. Instead, he’ll let you know that the glasses are acting weird, and you’ll find that there’s a secret feature that you wouldn’t suspect.

See, there’s another reason to get your S.P.E.C.S. points. You can use these to Realize the objects in your house. Realization is when you manage to complete their storyline (or Unfurnished Business, as Date Everything! refers to it), and you’ll be able to turn them into real human beings. Is this ethically questionable? Yes. Am I still doing this? Also yes; I embrace chaos, and this game has allowed me to embrace it in the best possible way.

Of course, that isn’t to say there hasn’t been any niggles with the game. While I’ve adored the voice acting for all the characters, as you can see the amount of passion that’s gone into this project, there have also been some amazing musical scores for each character. I loved the ‘90s edgy nostalgia for xxxShadowlord420xxx and even Bodhi’s ‘80s-themed tunes. Hell, Hector has a beautiful, melancholic ballad in the background, and each design is so unique and creative that it’s hard not to love it!

But, the issues I found came from some ultimately hilarious bugs. For example, when Ronaldini was performing his magic act, the Collectable artwork didn’t appear as it was supposed to, so it was just a blank white screen, and the bird didn’t show up until later. Hell, I just thought it was a part of the show. Then, when on a date with Monique, after talking to Luke in the kitchen, he still followed, a sense of horror in his gaze. It’s like he was afraid and followed us to ensure we got our chicken tendies. It was admittedly, bloody hilarious.

I’d say some of the most significant issues come with the Dateadex. At one point while playing, it wasn’t working properly, and I had to reset the game to be able to scroll through it again. But then, I think that Sassy Chap Games worked on an update for that specific bug that ultimately led to a grating sound when scrolling through each character. It… it was not a pleasant sound, but ultimately, I imagine they’ll be able to fix it once they become aware of it.

Overall, I’d have to say that these issues haven’t detracted from my experience with Date Everything!. In fact, at the time of writing this review, I’ve amassed over 40 hours of gameplay, and I don’t think I’m anywhere near done with all I want to do. I still have two characters left to find (again, dear developer overlords, please, please, tell me where Hero Hime is, I am baffled).

But, I’ve found that there are no characters that I hate — well, maybe some that hate me — and I’ve genuinely enjoyed how, despite this being a goofy game about dating objects, the storylines are heartfelt. The message of being able to find love, no matter the type, is one that I appreciate a lot. It doesn’t act like being friends is a bad ending, and I’ve amassed so many different endings.

Who would have thought I’d be able to be friends with the concept of Existential Dread? I sure didn’t, and yet, I can’t say I’m surprised. I’ve had so much fun with my time with Date Everything! I’m endlessly glad that I got a chance to review it, and if you like a dating sim filled with references, puns, and endless object jokes, then I think I’ve got the game for you.

Date Everything! will be released on Steam, Nintendo Switch, PlayStation 5, and Xbox Series X|S on the 17th of June. Plus, it’s already got the Lavish DLC to go with it when it’s released, so if you feel like me, and you’re steadily running out of objects to date… why not add this to your wishlist too?